October 07, 2005
Restlessness
There is something that moves in some. A drive to keep going, to find more. I sort of recognize it because, try as I might, I can't leave well enough alone.
I romantically see gypsy blood, or Indiana Jones, or Amazon warrior women in my past. No fun to call it tramp or hobo or itinerate or even tribal migration... there are those who are rock steady and there are the rest of us who learn late, say in their thirties, of the value of sitting still.
Meditation is torture to me. Tai Chi is gorgeous release, knitting ethereal and transcendant in it's mundane repetitions. But capturing monkey mind is still an act of will. Something that often only comes from movement for me. Or from music, which I consider internal, spiritual movement.
My push toward Something is damn inconvenient to others, and "high energy" can be a bad thing. Children are sometimes like this, always moving, but then sometimes have that pace of wonder, and see all those things the rest of us miss.
The spider's web full of dew drops. The way a few leaves have changed to bright red.
I've always tried to contain myself for the kids, pull back and give them space in which to breathe, to grow. I've slowly learned to do this for adults too.
Once a woman at Gwyneth's preschool came barrelling down on me, and I drew back while she ranted happily about chickens and spinning and something else I had brought to the classroom.
I realized then that people, some people are like snails, will wait cautiously, or reach tentatively toward another, and will quickly draw back at the probing finger of anything asserted into their space.
I withdrew that day, and forever after have been grateful for the lesson, to hold myself back more, to give room to those who need it so they can stretch in my direction, if they want.
Once upon a time I mis understood withdrawal as timidness.
There is something about this dance that is related to detachment, but I can't quite connect the dots...
I suspect it has to do with Love and Compassion and forgiveness and acceptance, and letting things grow in their own direction.
I would have a wild garden. With some things pruned just so.
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