It's difficult to describe becoming a "people of the commandment". This is, literally translated, what Anshei Mitzvah means. My rabbi, who approved my conversion, wrote about it a couple of years ago.
Like most everything else, it's been a process, and now I'm approaching the gate of publically reading - chanting even - Torah. This isn't something to take lightly. In fact whenever someone reads from Torah in Temple we have a "spotter", someone who reads along and corrects any mistakes! (Watch for our Cantor whispering in my ear on Friday night!)
Here, for those of you who aren't sure exactly what a bar mitzvah is, is a good general explanation of the ceremony. It's a wonderful rite of passage for kids, and I'm finding it is for me too.
On the other hand, I've been through enough doorways in my life to know that it is only for a marking, for a delineation between one part of a life and another, or one world and another. Sometimes the line is sharp. But more often the line is grey, the boundries blurred.
The work of becoming more than you were is ever changing, natural, with Life or a "life force" pushing for more from all of us, like a green shoot in the Spring. Of course many don't see the need, nor heed the call to reach, to stretch.
This is not my way. Sometimes I wish it were.
In some sense my choice of career reflects this, as "IT" is constantly changing, evolving. On a bad day it's a virtual hamster wheel, on a good day it's exhilarating to push my mind and abilities to the limit. To know when to refuse new technology and when to let go of the old is much of the battle. I like to think I've gotten good at it after 18 years.
So too is my choice of faith a careful selection of that which pushes me. Judaism is always evolving, at least for Reform Jews. I love that we have a responsiblity to struggle with each commandment, not just blindly accept the precepts of our parents and grandparents.
We are taught, in my branch of Judaism, to reach for our own understanding, to consider, to study, and ultimately to decide what serves G-d and the healing of the world (tikkun olam).
There are 613 commandments in the Torah! Do I really believe G-d intended for me to keep them all?
Certainly I am not a literalist. But if I am not kosher now, maybe it doesn't seem as important to me as raising my children as good Jews and compassionate adults.
However, saying prayers every day, morning, noon and night is signficant to me. Some try for 100 prayers a day. This is pretty lofty for my life, but I love the idea! And stretch in that direction.
My dear cousin commented a couple of months ago that my faith used to be so strong. Indeed, it still is, just in a different place. But it is ever changing, like any relationship, balancing traditions with evolution.
My spirit flourishes as a Jew because Judaism has brought head, heart and hands together to serve G-d's purpose, in the world and in my little corner of it.
Shalom,
Vicki
Here are some other links if you want more info:
Bar Mitzvah etiquette
Commentary by rabbi on secularizing the event
And something more current, a topic for another blog entry:
The Passion